Motherhood has been the single most wonderful, excruciating, and illuminating experience of my 40 years of life. It has propelled me into a growth that I never expected, and it has revealed darkness in the depths of my being that I didn't know was there.
If you are reading my blog, you are likely on a personal development or spiritual journey. Regardless of your identity as a mother, partner, friend, daughter, or co-worker, there is something in this article for you today. I believe that in the sharing of stories, we connect in magical, universal ways. Here is the story of how one beautiful spiritual teaching stopped me from a pattern of yelling and changed my life as a mother, partner, and friend.
Introduction to the Three Gates of Speech
At the beginning of 2023, while crawling out of my Dark Night of the Soul, I came across a concept that changed my life as a mother (you can read more about my Dark Night in my published article with Her Nation). Listening to a meditation on Insight Timer, the teacher introduced me to the Three Gates of Speech taught by Rumi.
"Before you speak, let your words pass through three gates. At the first gate, ask yourself, “Is it true?” At the second gate ask, “Is it necessary?” At the third gate ask, “Is it kind?” — Rumi
At the time, I was going through a tremendous upheaval in my life. I had lost my first job as a nurse due to a loss of childcare and the inability to work part-time as a brand new nurse. I spent 6 months purging all the anger and grief from many traumatic experiences, and I was slowly coming back to Who I Am through art, singing, and writing.
If you don’t know my back story, I became a single mother when Aysen was 3. Her father made poor choices that resulted in him being sent to jail, losing his military retirement and our family's income. Since I was a stay-at-home-mom, Aysen and I were forced to leave Texas and come back home to family in Indiana. It took me several years to get back on my feet, and I was wracked with anger, shame, resentment, bitterness, and deep seated feelings of loss and abandanment. The anger and grief of the loss of my marriage and my future were so profound that they shattered me into a million pieces, and I remained enraged and broken inside for many years.
I desperately tried to get on with life, and I appeared on the surface to be well adjusted and happy. However, the anger was like a molten hot poison in my veins, and it tainted every relationship I had, especially with my daughter.
I became hardened, closed off, and all the compassion and joy I had as a new mom turned into resentment and fear. I literally felt like my Heart had been stolen from me, just like the Goddess in Moana. I turned into a fiery monster, filled with rage that I desperately tried to keep hidden, but couldn't contain when provoked. My anger and pain would spew out of me like a volcano, often being unleashed as venomous words towards Aysen.
Eruptions would occur during high-emotional moments, such as when Aysen would injure herself while playing. One such eruption happened in early 2023 when Aysen was running through the house, playing and being wild. She was about 8 years old at the time. I was preparing dinner, contemplating my responsibilities for the rest of the day: Laundry, kitchen clean up, and Aysen’s evening routines.
I had asked her to quit running around, but that didn’t work. Suddenly, I heard a loud THWACK and turned around to see Aysen crumpled on the floor, wailing and clutching her hand. She had hit her hand on a doorframe as she came tearing out of my bedroom.
Up to this point, my usual response would have sounded a lot like this:
“Aysen!!! I told you to stop running! You shouldn’t have been running in the house! I told you to stop and look what happened!!”
Those words were like a loaded pistol on my hip, ready to be fired at the slighest provocation. I felt anger and panic rise in me, and I almost opened my mouth to spew out those words. But, this moment was different, felt different. I had recently learned about Rumi’s Three Gates of Speech and something inside me hesitated. I stopped, took a deep breath, and thought: Is what I’m about to say True? Is it Kind? Is it Necessary?
While my statement may have been true, she hurt her hand as a result of running too quickly through the doorway, it was not kind. It was more accusatory and colder than I wanted to be as a Mom. Was it necessary that I tell her she shouldn’t have been running right that moment? Perhaps it was important, but it was not exactly helpful or likely to be well received when she was lying on the floor in a heap of sobs.
What’s REALLY Going On?
Let’s take a moment to investigate what’s happening inside of me during this moment. I love Aysen very much, and I consider myself a good mom. I didn't want her to get hurt, which is why I told her to stop running. When faced with a sudden stimulus, we default to our pre-set programs: What we are used to doing and what we grew up with. We RE-ACT, as in, we act in a way that we have done many times before.
I was at a place where I was NOT taking care of my body, mind, or soul. I was stressed, hurt, tired, and not in a good place mentally. I had just begun to make changes to support myself through meditation and journaling. I was still opperating on old patterns.
In this instance, my kneejerk reaction to yell at Aysen when she got hurt was rooted in several things:
Stress Response. This automatic reaction to a sudden scream triggers our fight-or-flight response. The internal dialogue looks something like this: “My calm, not stressful moment is now replaced with a wailing 8-year-old… quick, make it stop!”
Interruption of focus. For a neurodivergent parent, this is a difficult one. My focus is challenged a lot, so a sudden diversion by having to tend to a crying child can illicit anger. “Damnit, if you hadn’t been running, you wouldn’t have hurt yourself and I wouldn’t have to stop what I’m doing to tend to your crying. It's going to take forever to regain my focus on what I was doing."
Resentment. As a single mom, I am primarily responsible for the emotional and physical response to children in the home, and a lot of resentment can build up. “I’m ALWAYS the only one who has to respond to her crying or hurting herself.”
Habit. I grew up in a very reactive home, and I resorted to those patterns of outbursts and negative reactions while going through the traumatic events after my ex-husband’s incarceration. "I saw my parents and siblings react with loud voices, and I also react with a loud voice when I feel unheard or threatened."
Through my introspection and personal development, I realized that all these root causes kept Love from flowing into the moment. I didn’t know it then, but this pause I gave myself allowed me to take a step back and actively CHOOSE the type of parent I wanted to be. And choosing to pause and THINK before ACTING shifted my experience.
When we don’t take care of our emotional, physical, and spiritual health, we don’t show up as my Best Selves. We fall into old patterns of reactions and past hurts instead of bringing intention to who we want to be in the moment. This is why the PAUSE is so important.
The beautiful thing is this: You and me, and everyone else who chose to incarnate on this planet, we go through so many similar situations and challenges. Can you think of a time when you reacted in a way that was unkind, wrathful, hurtful, and not true to Who You Are? Those moments can really do some damage to relationships, especially those closest to us. It's important to remember that even if this is a pattern, you can break free from it.
Love is HERE, and she is just waiting for you to take a deep breath and let her in.
Love Arrived... Just in Time
Let's get back to the story. Aysen was wailing on the floor, and I had just taken a deep breath and stepped away from the stove. I silently knelt beside her, rubbed her back… and just WAITED for what felt like an eternity. My blood was still boiling, heart racing from the loud cries of pain, but I kept breathing.
The rage subsided, and I felt this bizzare emptiness I had not experienced before. It felt like staring at a blank white wall. I kept breathing, kept rubbing her back, stayed in my body, and kept my mouth closed. With each passing second, I was tearing down the barriers of Resentment and Anger and allowing my Heart to take center stage.
All of a sudden, LOVE rushed over me as I looked down at Aysen. My muscles relaxed, and my brain quieted. Compassion flowed into my veins where anger had been only a moment ago. I no longer was angry that my peaceful cooking had been interrupted. Tears welled up in my eyes as she stood up and hugged me. I let the Love flow through me and into my daughter. No words were needed, just my presence. And as her sobs subsided, my heart and body felt calm and relief.
We both made it through that moment without me throwing my internal anger out towards her, and without her little heart being broken again by my anger. We both felt the LOVE and it kept us grounded. The rest of the evening was uneventful, and it is likely an event that would have been forgotten had I not journaled about it. It is clear through hindsight that it was a powerful moment for me, and it is an outstanding example of how important it is to Pause before I speak.
Living Through the Three Gates
I challenge you to practice the Pause using Rumi’s Three Gates during a conversation or confrontation today. Before you speak, ask yourself the three questions:
Is what I’m about to say True?
Is it Kind?
Is it Necessary?
I’d add a fourth question, especially in a confrontation or moment of chaos:
Is it Timely? Will what I have to say be well received at this moment? If not, then choosing to wait may be better for both you and the other person.
Creating space between your reactions and words can make a difference in your responses to your kids, partner, or co-worker. It’s not easy… it takes a great deal of practice and self-awareness. However, you’ll find that the more you practice the Pause and walk through the Three Gates of Speech, your interactions with others will improve dramatically.
Conclusion
I hope this story is helpful to you in any relationship. Bringing awareness to how we respond to situations allows us to decide our next course of action or words we speak. We get to choose the seeds we plant in our relationship gardens instead of letting weeds take over.
I still forget to pause sometimes and I go back to those old habits. Thankfully, those moments are becoming more and more rare. I keep learning, keep growing, keep taking care of myself through personal development. I don't work on myself just to build a business or be successful, I do personal development because it makes me a better Me for my kid and for my partner, Dan. Because I want to set a good example for my family and step into the most Kind, Compassionate, Patient, and Loving version of me I can be.
Take some time today to reflect on how you’ve been handling chaotic moments, and try out the Three Gates of Speech before you respond. I promise you, it'll be worth the effort.
You are SO worthy of Your Own Love, my friend.
💋Kori Rae
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